ridiculous.  the other day i'd resolved to never give up even if things seemed any less than spectacular.  i figured in the larger scheme of life, my problems are nothing compared to the many blessings i have.  additionally, i'd been convicted once again that these little trifles are only to bring me closer to christ and to let his glory be revealed in due time.  what a great witness, yeah?

i must've been in a good mood that day.

i give up. 

i simply can't handle everything right now.  and as much as i seek the lord for strength and all that kinda stuff, i'm just not able to hold up. 

good article so i don't forget:

Sidestepping Stagnation

The Hiding Place is Corrie ten Boom’s amazing account of her life around the time of World War II, especially the time she and her sister Betsie spent in a Nazi concentration camp. Both women were strong Christians, but in her book, Corrie recounts instance after instance when she was blown away by her sister’s faith. In one particular situation, Corrie and Betsie were shoveling dirt. Betsie was too weak to lift much dirt on her shovel. The guard chided Betsie, mocked her and eventually struck her across the face with a whip. Corrie shares first her own reaction, and then Betsie’s response:

Without knowing I was doing it, I had seized my shovel and rushed at [the guard].
Betsie stepped in front of me before anyone had seen. “Corrie!” she pleaded, dragging my arm to my side. “Corrie, keep working!” She tugged the shovel from my hand and dug it into the mud. Contemptuously the guard tossed Betsie’s shovel toward us. I picked it up, still in a daze. A red stain appeared on Betsie’s collar; a welt began to swell on her neck.
Betsie saw where I was looking and laid a bird-thin hand over the whip mark. “Don’t look at it, Corrie. Look at Jesus only.” She drew away her hand; it was sticky with blood.

Corrie and Betsie’s narrative is one incredible story among many that fill the history books of Christianity. Some, like Corrie and Betsie, were persecuted for doing what their faith led them to believe was right. Others were persecuted simply for professing to be Christian. Even in many countries today, Christianity is severely restricted or illegal. If you are going to be a Christian in these places, you have a lot to stand up against.
A few years ago, a woman named Li joined my church and shared her life story: She grew up in China, became a Christian by getting involved in an underground church, and eventually moved to the United States where she has lived for at least 15 years. What I remember most from her account is the difference between Christian life in China and Christian life in the United States. Before hearing Li’s story, I would have assumed that Christian life in the U.S. is preferable, but she feels quite the opposite.

Yes, the repression of Christianity is unpleasant, but it forces Christians to take a stand for their beliefs — to live a passionate life of faith or abandon the Lord altogether. China has no place for half-hearted Christians. Therefore, as a new Christian, Li learned from a zealous body of believers who could not live one day without evangelism at the forefront of their minds. When she moved to the United States, Li was frustrated to live among many Christians who were not as driven to grow in their faith and spread the Gospel as those she knew in China. The U.S. culture has a large, welcoming place for half-hearted Christians and sometimes even helps funnel Christians toward comfort with a faith that is not backed by much action.

When I think about it, I am not surprised by her conclusion. I even see it on a smaller scale in my own life. I’ve rarely faced persecution, but the times of loss, loneliness, abrupt change, feeling overwhelmed or making difficult choices are the times when I have grown the most and when my faith has shined the brightest. During the times that are calm, stable and consistently pleasant, I’m terrified of one thing: stagnation.

Whether it is a season of your life or a tenet of your culture, many of us encounter forces that encourage us to stay where we are, stop growing in faith and lose our passion for the Lord. While I would not wish persecution on myself or anyone, I almost wonder if apathy is a more difficult enemy to fight than hostility, simply because the approach to fighting it is much less clear. Li certainly wrestles with this. I wonder how Betsie and Corrie would have responded.

I do not have a good answer. Instead, I’d like to ask you: What truths from Scripture, lessons from your own life, or strategies do you use to sidestep stagnation and keep growing in your faith and your boldness for the Lord?

o lord you have searched me and you know me.  you know when i sit and when i rise.  you perceive my thoughts from afar.  you discern my going out and my lying down.  you are familiar with all my ways.  even before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.  you hem me in behind and before - you have laid your hand upon me.  such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  where can i go from your spirit?  where can i flee from your presence?  if i go up to the heavens you are there.  if i make my bed in the depths you are there.  if i rise on the wings of dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me.  your right hand will hold me fast.  if i say surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you, for darkness is as light to you.

psalm 139

this one is so good to remember.  i dunno.. i seem to be a little more insecure and doubtful of myself compared to other people.  and that's the thing.. i'm really good at comparing myself with other people and finding that i always fall short on any given point of comparison.  obviously, there's no warm fuzzy feeling in that.  the worst part is that i come to doubt the intent of the creator and i criticize, scrutinize and minimize the power of my god who created my inmost being.  doh.

let's try and keep this one in mind more, yeah?

i'm so completely undeserving.

ahhh  i can't even verbalize what i'm thinking.  i guess it's divinity unexplainable.

why is it that my god would listen to my prayers?  i don't do anything right, my heart is more often than not on the opposite end of loving, my understanding of his love and reliance on his truth is like bread crumbs.. but he still listens to my prayers and fulfills my hearts desires with all things good.  why?!?!

god i thank you for this love i can't even understand, with a grateful heart that seems inadequate and disproportional to the level of grace you've given me.

hmmmmm  i'm starting to really lovelovelove that first part of phil 2

if you have any encouragement in being united with christ, if any comfort in his love, if any fellowship with the spirit, if any tenderness of compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

i have a tendency to share all that... with myself.  and while that is good to continue meditating on god's word and reflecting on his good work in other people, somewhere in that process, there's eliminates the like-minded component.  sorry while i dissect this:  being like-minded means that there must be another mind to share similar thoughts, goals, values, visions with.  if there is no other mind, then the statement would better read "make my joy complete by being a loner with happy thoughts" 

that doesn't sound very encouraging.  i pray that i might have the boldness to be more outward about the things that god has impressed on my heart.  that by his grace, he would allow me to serve with others in one spirit and purpose.

if you have any encouragement in being united in christ, if any comfort in his love, if any fellowship in the spirit, if any tenderness or compassion, then make my joy complete in being life-minded.  having the same love and being one in spirit and purpose.  do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider everyone better than yourselves.  each of you should look not only to your own interests but to the interests of others.

your attitude should be like that of christ jesus.  who, being in very nature god, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped.  but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  and being found int he appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.  therefore god exalted him in the highest places and gave him the name that is above every name.  that at the name of jesus, every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth.  and every tongue will confess that jesus christ is lord.  to the glory of god the father.

some of phil 2

how we live is one thing.  how we live among other people and interact with other people is something else.  and it's quite amazing that in the sufficiency of the bible, therein lies the rules that govern how these things should work.  i think it was last summer when acacia was watching through the truth project series.  there was one particular installment that talked specifically on relationships.  mm  mi favorito.

relationships in the context of god's perfect design.  he drew 3 circles symbolizing the cyclic relationship between the divine, the church, and the family.  this wasn't new news to me, but the way he explained it and drew it out (i'm visual) made so much sense to me.

thinking about philippians 2, it makes even more sense.  your attitude should be like that of christ jesus, who being in very nature god, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped.  if that same relationship is stretched across to the church sphere, and over again to the family sphere, it's pretty clear what each of our roles are as we fit ourselves in.  as a leader, part of the flock (note sheepy), as a daughter, etc.  taking the very nature of a servant, he humbled himself and became obedient.  sounds a little backwards but when operated under this perfect design, it actually works!  therefore, god exalted him in the highest places and gave him the name above all names.  kinda like 1 thess. 5:12-13.  and kinda like prov. 31:28.

真的很奇妙..

one of my favorite things about coming home is having full access to our beautiful piano.  i'm still not very good with chords and stuff like that and everything i play always seem to revolve around the key of D.  but still, i lovelovelove sitting there clonking out delicious dissonance.


i'm recently fascinated with hymns.  it's definitely not your average hillsong or chris tomlin.  but flipping through the inch and a half thick hymnal, i've felt so touched by these words that were penned so long ago.  one song in particular seems like it were written straight from my heart by someone else more eloquent than i could ever be.


I know not what awaits me,
God kindly veils mine eyes,
And o’er each step of my onward way
He makes new scenes to rise;
And ev’ry joy He sends me, comes
A sweet and glad surprise.

Where He may lead me I’ll follow,
My trust in Him repose
And ev’ry hour in perfect peace
I’ll sing, He knows, He knows;
And ev’ry hour in perfect peace
I’ll sing, He knows, He knows.

One step I see before me,
’Tis all I need to see,

The light of Heav’n more brightly shines,
When earth’s illusions flee;
And sweetly through the silence, came
His loving “Follow me.”

O blissful lack of wisdom,
’Tis blessèd not to know;
He holds me with His own right hand,
And will not let me go,
And lulls my troubled soul to rest
In Him Who loves me so.

So on I go not knowing,
I would not if I might;
I’d rather walk in the dark with God
Than go alone in the light;
I’d rather walk in faith with Him
Than go alone by sight.

He knows, He knows, He knows.

sounds very hymnish, but the words are beautiful nonetheless.  

after i published my last thought, i started thinking.. what good would it really do to tell a newbie graduate what i've learned?  i'd been on the receiving end myself when i was on the verge of graduation - eagerly absorbing any advice that came my way.  and yet, i still had to endure the difficulties and sadness that followed this happy cap and gown ceremony.  is it any use?  i almost pulled that post.. thinking i'd have to come up with a better conclusion before i repost.  or better advice.. or, i dunno.. a good joke that euphematically summarizes the season of crappiness that may follow their graduation.

boy, am i chipper these days!

during sunday school pastor gee has been showing a video series from focus on the family about the israelites coming out of egypt and into the desert.  sometimes i feel bad for not taking it seriously because of the epic music that plays in the background and the weirdo dramatization that happens.  but the message content is really quite amazing.  this sunday, the tour guide took the group through deuteronomy 17.  lessons on trials and obedience, manna and quail.  i can't find my notes so my thoughts are kinda all over the place.

the question that came up in the previous series and again in this week's installment was whether or not we should pray for trials.  trials meaning hardships that test every fiber of our livelihood - physical, emotional, spiritual.  it's different for everyone, but whatever the test, god is looking to see whether our complete obedience and reliance on him stands these experiential circumstances.  the tour guide calls these desert times a honeymoon with god.

i say from experience that it is definitely when i'm at whit's end when i'm feverishly reading the word and praying prayers for things i'm not even sure how or what to pray - a constant dialogue with god because i don't know what else i can do.  honeymoon's not quite the right word i would use to explain it unless i have a completely wrong idea of what that word means..  but in any case, the tour guide says these situations allow us to show in our actions what is in our heart.  it's like it's just me n god, duking it out - him winning of course, and me humbled by his power and rule not just over my life, but over every single  freaking detail of every single thing.  i'm compelled to give up my own resistances and let his peace overtake me.  and because of that, i fall even more in love with my father and creator.

so trial or no trial?  well, if it's a choice between finding love or living in emptiness, i think the choice is clear.  i mean, i hear it all the time: you'd do anything for love.  when it comes to the father of the heavenly lights, does the same apply?

the tour guide closes the episode with one last point.  a point that he's hesitant to bring up because it is so difficult yet so prevalent in our lives.  he says, perhaps the hardest thing we will ever encounter.  i sat there thinking, what could be harder?

it is when things are going good.  when things are good, we, like the israelites, like me - with hamster size brains, forget about god and the sovereign mercy and grace he gives to us, and revert to relying on our own strength and capabilities.  and the god who longs for our attention and delights in our communion with him gets left out.  that is when things get gnarly.  pride, selfishness, idolatry, self-reliance.. those things get in the way and lead us into a spiraling dive down the path of sin.  not good.

so what does this have anything to do with advice i would give to people who are anticipating life after college?  not much of what i say will steer you clear of troubles and disappointments that come your way.  nothing will prepare you for what's to come.  but there is one thing that must be held onto -  and that is a heart of obedience to follow god and rely on him.  all the time.

reminds me of that scene in the movie twister where the main couple characters chain themselves to the pipes of a bathroom sink.  when the tornado came through, there was nothing they could do but to be swept up into the eye of the storm - prevented from being carried away into certain death by all but one chain that anchored them down.

mmm.. lost my train of thought..  i wonder where those notes went.

last sunday i briefly talked to a compass girl who asked me if i like living around here.  she's a sophomore and, at least from what i've seen, she's pretty involved with compass.  i asked her the same question back and her answer was a very definitive "i want to get out as soon as i can".

over the last few years, god has opened my eyes and my heart to understand the way he works in my life so much.  being in the place i am right now, my first thought was whhaaaaat?!  how could anyone possibly despise this place so much?!  but it only takes a quick rewind four years back to remind me that at one point, i too, hated this city called sacramento.  no form of sympathy or pep talk could get me to wrap my mind around the possibility of embracing my current situation.  i even hated going grocery shopping.  that's bad.

nothing about this city has changed though.  which can only mean one thing.. thank the lord for his power of transformation or else my life would be miserable.

this girl i talked to mentioned sad things like having nothing to do, nowhere to go, being stuck..  i wish i could talk to her more cuz i sometimes feel the same way too.  but here's some things i've collected along the way:

once exciting places will get old
relationships will come in and out
retail therapy is a myth
even the perfect job is not so perfect afterall
stress eating will make you fat unhealthy
trying to blend in with the rest of the world will only make you feel more empty

the one thing that stays constant is god.  haha  the answer to all life's questions.  except that it's kinda true.

join with others in following my example and take note of those who live according to the pattern we have given them.  for, as i have often said before, and say again even with tears - many live as enemies of the cross of christ.  their destiny is destruction.  their god is their stomach and their glory is in their shame.  their minds are on earthly things.  but our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await the saviour from there - our lord jesus christ.  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so they become like his glorious body.

join with others.  it's still a struggle for me sometimes to just be okay where i am, but the important thing is to be a part of a community that cares and encourages, and challenges me to grow.  a part from that, i think i could live anywhere.  it's easy and super spiritual to say that as long as i've got god, everything will be okay.. but most times it's not easy to bring that mantra into the daily grind.  i'd tell her that being patient is hard.  and sometimes when your mind is already set on believing the negatives, it would take a miracle to change that perspective.  but god is in the business of transformation.. so be ready for it.

Ahh what a day. And I'm only half way through!

Between the bulging colostomy bag, the missing lunch cart and missing supervisors, and a wine bottle shortage there could've been several moments of fleshed out insanity. But thank god for 8 hours of good sleep prior to clocking in today.

..found an extra bottle and felt very happy :)  because of the name, silly.

The problem with bible studies and good questions is that they cut straight to the heart and the outcome is not always pretty. I guess that could be a good thing too though..

Not that I have already attained this or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it, but one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and striving toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize that god has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too god will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Join with others in following my example and take note of those who are living according to the pattern we gave them. For as I've often said before and say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach and their glory is in their shame. Their minds are on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a savior from there. Who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they become like his glorious body. Friends, whom I love and long for, my joy and my crown, this is how we should stand firm in the lord.

Some more of Phil 3

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recent reception of new news has inclined me to feel like barfing.

this is funny for two different reasons.  one, i don't usually barf.  (which makes me kinda like a bunny, who are physiologically unable to barf in general)  if i get sick, it usually finds another way out.

and two.  from what i know, though limited in experience and knowledge, the feeling of barfing is probably the most opposite effect such news should have on the normal person.  words like jubilation and merriment would seem more appropriate.  definitely not brain-sucking nausea.

ah well, i'm also not prone to displaying appropriate behavior as a first reaction so we'll see what happens.  meanwhile, grab me a bucket.

emo picture of the day.

whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of knowing christ.  what is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing christ jesus my lord.  for whose sake i have lost everything.  i consider everything rubbish that i might gain christ and be found in him.  not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law - but that which is through faith in christ.  a righteousness that is from god and is by faith.  i want to know christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing of his sufferings.  becoming like him in death in order to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

rejoice in the lord always, again i say rejoice.  let your gentleness be evident to all.  the lord is near.  do not be anxious about anything but in everything, with prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your request to god and the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in christ jesus.  finally, brother, whatever is true whatever is noble, whatever is pure whatever is right, whatever is lovely whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.  whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice!  and the god of peace will be with you.

i rejoice greatly in the lord that lat last you have renewed in your concern for me.  indeed you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.  i am not saying this because i am in need for i have learn to be content whatever the circumstances.  whether in plenty or in want, i have found the secret of being content in any and every situation.  whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  i can do all things through christ who gives me strength.

parts of philippians 3 and 4

stage 2 - 4:10
lovey dovey cutesy stuff.  kinda funny.
but i wonder if it's that hard not to do this to other people around you.

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You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours 

lately the cd on repeat in my car has been all of the above from hillsong.  basically, i can get through the entire cd during the time it takes me drive to davis and back.  i've listened through it many times = ]  sometimes i sing along with the songs when i'm driving without actually knowing what i'm singing just cuz i know the song so well..


i believe these words.  i believe that my entire life is in his hands and he directs this life on a foundation of deep love.  this is a reminder to myself to give thanks and praise in all things.  


don't go turning emo on me!!

well today started out good, then melded into not so good, and then finally, well.. praise god in all things, yeah?

i got an email from one of the ladies who works with my grad advisor/professor saying she'd be out on personal leave and wouldn't be joining us for class this week.  i just thought she was exhausted from all the traveling she does.  she's like wonderwoman to me.  it's amazing to sit in on her lectures and hear her talk about her crazy research and influence she has in california and all of the nation.  i've taken classes from her since undergrad, worked with her daughter at the usda research kitchen for about a year and now spent 2 years studying under her during my masters program.  she has a great family and is one of the most sincere teachers i've ever had.

but then this morning reading the news, i found out she was on leave because her son had passed away on picnic day.  my heart just died for the next several hours.. trying to keep in good spirits for the sake of my coworkers and the patients i deal with.  but when i think about it, my hearts dies all over again.

to raise a son to become a bright young man with so much going for him, and then to lose him when you always thought he'd be the one to see his own parents pass away first.  mehhhh  how does someone cope with the reality of news such as this??  it's one of those things where i sing


you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
lord blessed be your name


but then when something like this happens, the bottom drops out from underneath my heart and i can't figure out how to sing the last line cuz the hearts gone and fallen off the radar.

i pray for her and her family.  

it's not easy working late.  i wake up and take care of bob.  go to work and come home around 9pm.  right now it only happens about 3 out of 7 days a week.  pretty soon it might be a regular thing.  but while the hours are not ideal, i thank god that i have such a stable job (that i love) ((and with great benefits))  and after i graduate, i'm not being dumped on the sidelines of a sad and dusty job market.

my heart will choose to say

lord blessed be your name

every day is a challenge, but every day also brings new hopes and promises of a life directed by a god who knows me and loves me.  

asdfkjaseghriawuefsnfbakjegn.

that's all.

..could explain why my ears operate as those of an 80-year old though.

i never get tired of hillsong worship songs.  it's usually on repeat in my car and it never gets old.  tonight after fellowship i switched out (reluctantly) the new aftermath cd for mighty to save.  rocked out with the first couple songs and then track 4 came on:

i confess my hope in the light of your salvation
where i lose myself i will find you're all i need
sing my soul of the saviour's love
sing my soul unto god alone
i will meet you here in the life i call surrender
let the world i know be the glory of your grace
you alone are god
and we declare the glory of your name
reign in all the earth

first, i believe god slipped a small miracle into this song.  i've been thinking about miracles lately.. mebbe a post on this later cuz i wanna know what other people think.  anyways, it's been a long time since i've put this cd in the cd player for the sole reason of not wanting to endure the sadness of a hideously scratched cd.  and i knew at 0:01 that this particular track usually skips itself to death midway through.  tonight... no skip.


second, i have a hard time believing that god is all i need.  i mean, i need family, i need friends, i need someone to talk to, i need etc.  but then sometimes he goes and cuts off all access to these things that i need.  my parents would be away, friends are busy, my sisters busy playing with an insanely cute baby, i have the day off and everyone else is at work..  sad days man.  i talk to god but i also let him know that praying is not quite the same as talking with a real human being.  funny cuz i really think if not for the knowledge of christ and his presence in my life, i would be seriously depressed.  but then, i still desire human connection/interaction.  i haven't really thought this through but maybe there's supposed to be some sort of balance?  oreo..  god's not one to be balanced.. eh  brain vomit.  i digress.


third, pg's bible study tonight was about fools.  he talked about a couple different kinds of fools.  one of them: a simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps. prov 14:15  leave your simple ways and you will live, walk in the way of understanding. prov 9:6  i happen to be a very gullible person.  i'm prone to believe anything i hear or read.  which is not so great because obviously, not everything can be taken as truth.  i blame it on being so guai growing up..always a ting baba de hua kinda kid.  but pg says that being simple this way also means being teachable.. teachable with what?  i think discernment.  which goes along with wisdom that comes from god.  eeeh  both of which, i'd like to fill up on.  i think pg's main point was that while the world sees us christ-followers as foolish people, we know that he calls us to be wise and to follow and depend on him even when it seems illogical or unreasonable.


four, going back to the song.  where i lose myself.  when have i ever completely given up on myself and declared absolute helplessness over my life?  uhhh  i'm not a control freak, but i'm a girl nonetheless, and control is innately woven into my being.  and maybe that's exactly the reason why i freak out about everything and can pinpoint exactly which event cause the birth of a new pimple on my head.  sorry, that's gross =/  ..i will find you're all i need.


i think these simple declarations are the hardest to internalize.  as gullible and believing as i am, it doesn't become real to me if i'm just believing for the sake of being a guai kind of christian.  i guess my prayer is that god would give me the wisdom to let his truth reign in my life first, that i might then bring it forth to the rest of the earth.  dang.  that's serious stuff  :D

i also just wanna say.. i love acacia and thank god for bringing me here.
 hooray it's the weekend!

doopdoopdoop

i drove home from point reyes, away from acacia retreat this morning, to come to work.  i thank god for his greater knowledge for things of the future.  the storm last night had put a tree in the middle of the road blocking the path to the hostel.  i guess if i hadn't had to work this weekend, trevor and may would have had to trek 6 miles of windy mountain road up to the hostel.  praise god in all things, i suppose  = ]

it's funny because at retreat, i guess we (i) are unknowingly on our best behavior.  it's time with god, time with acacia, you know..  i don't think it's done purposely or as a front.  i think it's just the mindset that we have.  we even pray that people come laying their burdens down and finding peace in god and his church.  but what happens when we're removed from that?  3 hours later, i'm sitting in my office talking to patients and nurses and getting the usual in and out flow of employees through the doors.  i pray that my attitude, actions and my words are holy and pleasing to god.  paul says this is worship too!  not just singing along with other acacia people in a room.

inevitably, there will be patients who test my patience.  but i think this could be fun.  bring it on!  hehe  it's like a test of constantly asking for god's grace and transmitting that onto other people.

i'm determined this weekend to rejoice.  rejoice always.  again, i say rejoice!  and pray.  oh man.  there's never a shortage of things to pray for these days.  funny that i'm reading calm my anxious heart right now.  cuz well.. that's like story of my life  >_<  hehe  bahhh

it's easy to keep thinking "i'd rather be..." but lordship means obedience and trusting that his ways are higher than mine. 

turn your eyes upon jesus
look full in his wonderful gaze
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of his mercy and grace

:D

god is always there.  he's my best friend.  his ears never turn away from me..
but sometimes.. a lot of times.. i think it'd be nice to talk to a real person.

beloved

romans 8:35  who shall separate us from the love of christ? 

[from pg's sermon today]  umm.. nothing.  nothing can separate us from god's love.  by the grace of his insurmountable love, we will never leave our side.  BUT, sin can separate us from god.  sin can steal that love from what's rightfully His.. we're the ones who move away from god.  not him.

simple theology.

lord, i pray that the enemy not steal the love i have for you.  that i don't let the enemy have control over my emotions and thoughts.  let my heart and mind always be consumed with your truth.  and nothing else.

rejoice in lord always, again i say rejoice
rejoice in lord always, again i say rejoice
rejoice, rejoice, again i say rejoice
rejoice, rejoice, again i say rejoice
rejoice in lord always, again i say rejoice

such a simple song that i learned way back in sunday school when i was little.  it sounds kind of silly but.. when i'm feeling like the flood gates are about to let go, running the words through my head helps hold back the pressure just a little longer.  i hate to keep having a mentality that life sucks right now.. because really, all things in perspective, i'm fine.  believe me, i'd rather not feel this way.

i don't feel like eating these days.  which might just be perfect cuz i should probably pray more.

sometimes i hate that i'm so guarded.

unfortunately some people will just be haters.  there's nothing that can be done to change that.  once someone gets it in their philosophy to have a certain perspective, only a miracle could crumble a steel wall.

what does that mean for me?  continue to be crippled by fear and anxiety over everything i do, knowing that one small mistake will bring ultimate wrath on me.

well, that's one option.  i know there's another but when proximity hits so close to home, reason and logic no longer exist and so i'm constantly tortured by this looming aura of dislike.  dusting off your sandals and finding another home isn't that easy.  no one tells you that part.

but i tell you this out of love.

love doesn't make people feel like they need to walk on eggshells.

not so radical as it should be ordinary.

it's simple really.  take up my cross, and follow christ.

don't be ashamed of it.  don't brag about it.  just live my life knowing that god sees everything and is the final judge of the things i do.  god and man will see my actions, but only god can see my heart.  father, let my heart be pure.

sickness hath overcome me

Tonight I'm just going to stay in bed all night, read my book and take my monster horse pills every 4 hours.

Woohoo.

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found

Today was the first day of the mission conference at DCCC. Our speaker rev. Brian Newton gave us 3 promises of god and 3 words of encouragement that might bring us into a closer relationship with our God. Among the 6, one of them was this:

We can never be so isolated that God cannot find us.

The speaker emphasized the importance of having personal encounters with God.. being intimately close with him. And then praying earnestly for others to experience His holy presence as well. There's another meaning for me..

My heart swells knowing the truth of his ever presence because oftentimes in my loneliness I feel forgotten by those around me. And yet my Saviour knows how low I am and would dig through the trenches just to reach me.

These days with mom and dad in Taiwan and Ja being busy with Chara it's hard to pick up the phone and spill the details of my life to them. And my friends.. well..


God, let me let you be enough.

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lesson from gideon

last sunday george led the sunday school lesson on judges - the story of gideon.  the last question of the study was a .super bonus. question that asked whether it is okay to test god.  my answer.. is that maybe gideon just needed a pep talk or a rally to boost his courage and confidence to lead his army against the midianites.  so technically, he's not really testing god in the sense that god's answer would determine whether or not he'd actually go through with the cause.  but rather, we was seeking a faith boost and affirmation to his calling.

i dunno.. i'm not a bible scholar but that's what i was thinking.

then tonight, i reread the chapter and a little more. 

in chapter 7, god decides to thin out gideon's army in order to show that victory doesn't lie in his own strength, but by the strength of the Almighty.  sigh.  this is what i struggle with so much.  for whatever reason, i have the confidence of a nut.  zippo.  and while it's almost crippling what it does to my ability to carry out neccesary functions, i still, with great stubbornness, try to do everything on my own.  consequently, it comes to no surprise that at the end of the day, i'm moping over the fact that i just can't do it.  why can't i just give it up to god??  i so much want to be a part of this ministry.  but i constantly feel like i have nothing to offer.  in all honestly, i am not smart.  i cannot retain any information or any kind.  i'm not creative.  i have a hard time expressing how i feel in spoken words.  and i'm constantly at battle over the right things to say or the correct way to act.  inadequacy is a word that sits right on top of my heart.  i feel like this is an obstacle (real or self-made) that i can't overcome. 

but maybe this is god's way of thinning out my abilities from 32 thousand to 300.

reading a little bit further, gideon's army completely defeats the midianites.  with what?  trumpets and torches?!  and it's not like they killed them by burning out their eardrums either.  so what's the lesson learned here?  maybe it's not really about my personal abilities rather than god's greater power. 

at this point i have no idea what this all looks like in reality.  i'm still serving on acacia core, i'm still working in the hospital, i'm still going to school, i'm still volunteering.  maybe it sounds like i'm doing a lot.  but while i enjoy each day and find small joys in everything i do, many times i still come home feeling like a failure; wishing i'd said one more thing or acted another way or asked another question. 

father, i pray that you would help me to realize that i can only do things through strength that comes from you.  help me to accept your hand in every branch of my life.  thank you for your patience with me.

tell it like it is.

i'm weary that this will never end.


on a separate topic, more and more i'm realizing how important communication is.  and it's a funny thing because there are situations where we might rather not share in discourse with other people.  yet in doing so, there is the tragedy of misunderstanding, which leads to faces that look like this: O_o??, which lead to bitterness and harboring of bad thoughts.  all of which are recognizably poor and unwelcomed.  but remain nonetheless.  that is, until this invisible wall is broken and truth is disclosed.

i'm prone to blame others; but like all events of distorted feelings, it's never one-sided.  and so i'm praying for god's grace to help me put down my own prideful accusations and misconstrued ideas and humbly come before my brothers and sisters with a humble heart to listen and learn.

and along the same lines, i do hope that if anyone has anything to say to me about my words or actions, that i might be the sole recipient of those words.  to say the least, it hurts to hear it from other people.  could it be, that this is precisely the reason i am led to harbor mean thoughts? 

fasting

last night for acacia, jerry led a study on mark 2:18 to 3:6.  i've always read through these verses not quite knowing what the examples represent.  i get the part about not being like the pharisees - rigid and law-enforcing, without paying attention to the heart of the matter.. to honor god and love men.

but patches and wineskins?  i guess it should've been obvious but again, i'm not the sharpest tool in the box :D  the pharisees represents the old traditions and perhaps.. laws that weren't even commanded by god for men to follow.  (in my group we went through the old testament and found no example of god commanding people to fast.)  jesus represents the new law.  it's impossible to mesh the old mosaic rituals to the new covenant that comes with the arrival of christ.  simple enough = ]


then.. what part does fasting play in our lives today?

i asked my friend john macarthur.

QUESTION: Okay, in Matthew 6 it talks about giving alms, or when you give alms, and in Matthew...and then further on down it says when you are praying, or when you pray...and then it says when you fast. It looks as though that fasting should be just as regular as praying and giving alms, and I was wondering how should we be applying fasting in today's day and age?

JOHN: Well I think fasting is a very important part of Christian experience. I...he's talking about verse 16 of Matthew 6, "Whenever you fast do not put on a gloomy face as the hypocrites do." A couple of things to say about fasting. First of all, fasting is never commanded. Prayer is. Pray without ceasing, praying always with all prayer and supplication, watch and pray, repeatedly we are called to pray. We are commanded to pray. We are never commanded to fast. In fact, fasting is obviously identified with unique circumstances. And I...the best way to illustrate that is that when the disciples of Jesus were confronted by the Jewish leaders, the Jewish leaders said to Jesus, "Why don't Your disciples fast?"

Now it was typical of devout traditionalist Jews to fast twice a week. And you remember the publican in Luke 18 said, "I fast twice a week," so he was following not the biblical prescription but the traditional prescription that if you wanted to be spiritual you fasted twice a week, you deprived yourself of food twice a week. And to them that was emblematic of holiness. So He...so the Jews came to Jesus and they said, "Your disciples don't fast. Why?"

Well that's very interesting. Jesus' response was, "When the bridegroom is with you, you don't fast." In other words, this is not a time for fasting because this is a time for joy. And Jesus was telling us that fasting is a unique experience that's identified with times of grief and sorrow and pain and isolation, loneliness, fear, those kinds of times that would not exist while you were walking around in the presence of Jesus Christ. So the first thing to remember is that fasting, at least in the teaching of Jesus, was for those times of great concern and great sorrow, great anxiety, great prayer, all of that kind of issues in prayer and fasting is always associated with prayer. It's not isolated from prayer. It is a part and parcel of times of prayer. And so I think that the time to fast is, of course, those times when we are swept up in prayer to the degree that we are so somber, so serious, so engulfed that we have no desire to eat, no desire to satisfy any of the cravings of the flesh. And, in fact, in times like that it may be that the flesh doesn't have such cravings because one is so overwrought with prayerful concerns.

I think that's all that we can really say in the New Testament about fasting. That there are times when it wouldn't be appropriate to fast because you're enjoying the fullness of the presence of God and all of His blessing. There are times when it would be appropriate to fast and that would be associated with times of importunity which means time of relentless prayer and concern about those matters that are on our hearts.

I can give you some personal experiences from my own life when great crises come into my own life, fasting is a somewhat normal response to those kinds of exigencies. I can think back to the...to a...the longest time of fasting that I ever experienced in my life was a nine- or ten-day fast in which I ate nothing. That was a time when I was in great concern and prayer over the fact that my son Mark had been diagnosed as having brain tumor which could be fatal. And immediately, of course, he was in his last year of college at that time, I think it was his last year, and, of course, it was a tremendous amount of concern over that. And there was just a very...sort of a very immediate response to fast and pray on behalf of that kind of serious situation and come before the Lord and God was so...so tremendously gracious during that time. I remember when the doctor told me, the neurosurgeon at Cedar Sinai, that it could be fatal, it was just immediate that I wanted to come into the presence of the Lord and beseech Him. First of all, naturally, you pray for the well being of your son, you ask the Lord...are You sure You've got the right kid, this is a good one, you know, he can...You could use him, you know, down the road. And I prayed and fasted and, of course, Patricia was aware and Mark was not aware of the seriousness of his tumor situation. But during that time I can honestly say I spent nine days taking him back and forth to the clinic while they were doing non-invasive techniques to determine what this tumor was before they drilled a hole in his skull and went in and actually got inside because the implications were so severe because it was near the optic nerve and the piamater gland, and things like that. They didn't want to do any invasive things, and so those were times of intense prayer.

And you could see a flow going from...Lord, you know, spare his life...and so forth and so on, to a sort of a middle ground in a few days where you're saying...Lord, whatever Your will is, whatever Your will. And by the time I got to the end of it I was saying, "You know, this world isn't a fit place for anybody, he belongs to You, take him out." You know, you go through the whole process. And, you know, I conducted his funeral about a hundred times, you know, just going through the process of yielding up to the Lord this young man.

And I remember being up in my office on a Wednesday night, it was the ninth day, the next day the doctor was going to tell me the results of all the tests and they were done at the Frank Norris Clinic over at the USC Medical Center by the finest cancer specialists around and pediatric tumor specialists and all of that. And I was waiting for the next morning. For the first time I was actually hungry. It was the first time I actually felt any hunger pangs. And I actually got hungry sitting up there, it was on a Wednesday night, it was between the end of the kind of the day and the office is closed and Wednesday night services were going to start in an hour or so. And I was up there and everything was locked up and I was just praying and thanking the Lord for the perfect peace, that if He was going to take him to heaven, wonderful, glorious for him and we would rejoice in that.

And there was a knock on my door and I don't even know how anybody got in there because there are four sets of double doors you have to go through and they were all locked. And a lady was knocking on my door and I was so surprised because everything else was closed in the office and I went to the door and opened the door and there was a lady standing there who had been in the church for many years but had never been in my office ever. And I greeted her and said, "Hi, how are you?" And she said, "Well," she said, "Pastor I saw your light on up here as I was going by and I thought you might be hungry and I brought you a sandwich."

And I think I said something like, "Haba...haba...haba...haba." I don't think it was any more coherent than that. It might have been less coherent than that actually. And that woman had never given me a cookie. That woman had never done anything. She had never been in the office. I don't...I didn't even know she knew where my office was, but somehow the Lord had impressed upon her heart to make me a bologna sandwich. And I...I took that sandwich in a little bag and I went back to my desk and I said, "So, Lord, You're that involved in my prayer life that when the fast is over You deliver the sandwich." I mean, that was a pretty profound moment for somebody who is not every mystical. And I just rejoice that God had concluded the fast in a most appropriate and gracious way. I mean, I just couldn't bring myself to going down to In and Out, or something, it sort of seemed too carnal. It needed to be something more (laughter).

So I only say that, give you that little recitation to say that there are great times of fasting that come along with great times of prayer. And the next morning the doctor called me and he said, "We're happy to tell you this is a benign epidermoid, it's a piece of misplaced skin tissue, it is not any problem at all, it is not even anything to worry about. We're just rejoicing down here. We like really like your son and we're so happy for him and we just wanted to let you know that all of the news is good. And we don't think it's a problem and never will be a problem."

I was so thrilled, I went to the college where Mark was and I told him. And then I told him the whole story. And he hadn't known all the behind-the-scene details about the potential fatality that they had told me about. He said to me, "You know, why do you think the Lord put me through that?" And I said, "Put YOU through that. You didn't know what I knew. The question is, why did the Lord put me through that?" And, of course, the answer to that is in order that the Lord might accomplish His purposes in our hearts and draw us to Himself. So God put Himself on display and was gracious in that regard.

Three years ago you know Patricia had a car accident, broke her neck, gave her less than five percent chance to live. That was another time when prayer just kind of takes over your life. You just...you just go into instant communion, unrelenting communion with God and food has no place as other kinds of indulgences and things that entertain us don't.

So I think fasting needs to be associated with times of prayer. And I say that carefully because I think some people think that if you just arbitrarily don't eat that there's some spiritual virtue in that. The fact of the matter is we ought to fast more because we ought to be more concerned to pray more strongly about more things, right? So the real issue, I think, is in the prayer area. 

well put.

i think it's interesting that he says the act of fasting is a natural process where you are so overcome with prayerful concerns that you do not even desire the cravings of the flesh.  what if this were a more frequent occurence in my life?

a place for my words

hooray!

i have figured out a purpose for this blog!  this particular one is actually a spinoff of a previous one that i started when i graduated from college.  at that time, life was rough compared to what i'd known before.  thus, posts were very sad and i've since unpublicized them to the rest of blog world.  this one was supposed to detail brighter days and be a collection of loosely gathered thoughts.  deBOtions.. like devotions = ]

i don't remember why i stopped.  but months later, my brainchild that is amaranthine joy came about and i've been pretty consistent about keeping it well fed and groomed.  this child somehow got left behind though.

i think about the things i learn sometimes or about issues that are a little more spicy compared to narratives about my grocery shopping, and i want to share them.  to me, blogging or journaling helps me understand my thoughts better.  unusually enough, i find that writing is an essential part of my ability to digest information.  (also helps with my hamster brain memory)  oftentimes, my fingers seem to be a better means of vocalization when compared to my mouth.  for the more dicey topics, i'm sometimes afraid of offending people with my views.  and other times, i'm afraid that by writing things that are true to my heart, i may possibly lead readers to think of me in ways i do not intend.  it's a funny tug of war, these topics that i choose to share.

should this stop me from writing?  or make me be more cautious?  i don't know..  another option is keep my words in the journal that lives on my nightstand.  some might ask what the difference is..  yeah, that i don't know either.  but this little blog here has not yet met the world (at least not to my knowledge).. and so to me, it is free range.  what i hold back on aj i'll bring to the table here.

i also thought this would be a good place to jot down notes that i scribble down during bible studies and sermons.  i always find handouts and half-sheets folded between pages of my bible or between stacks of papers and i'm reluctant to throw them away.  as if i'd be tossing out great nuggets of wisdom and gold or frankincense or something.  so i've decided that this will be the place to dictate my chicken scratch, in hopes that they too will be digested into the tiny compartments of my heart rather than the municipal recycling center.


 

a dire propensity

we're a very sick culture that loves to raise people up and then tear them down.  there's this seeding pessimism and self righteousness in us that loves to do that because in us we think if they came down, we're as good as they.  be very, very careful about that.  be very careful at your workplace that if your boss completely self destructs, there there isn't a sense of joy in that.. cuz that's sad.  be very careful that you don't take gratitude and joy in human misery, and failure and fall.

be careful that you don't receive christ, and give criticism.

and some of you are in positions of leadership and it's going to be very hard for some of you to learn to have selective hearing.  when some people critique, consider it instruction.  if it's someone who loves you and loves god, then pay close attention.  but if it's someone who just loves to cause trouble and make criticism but isn't part of making solutions, reconsider.

- mark driscoll


for me, there is caution to be taken on both ends.

take a chill pill

there is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve. this too, i say, is meaningless. so i commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. then joy will accompany his work all the days of the life god has given him under the sun.

when i applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth - his eyes not seeing sleep day or night - then i saw all that god had done. no one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend.

ecclesiastes 8:14-16

i've been reading and trying to understand the book of ecclesiastes over the last month. no one's lying when they say that the word will bring about a reflection of your soul. and to say the least, my soul sucks. while thinking about a few key verses, the song .refiner's fire. come into mind.

purify my heart
let me be as gold and precious silver
purify my heart
let me be as gold, pure gold

refiner's fire
my heart's one desire
is to be holy
set apart for you lord
i choose to be holy
set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

this song must have come about in the 80s.. i feel like i've sang it all my life. but this time, it means something. and it sucks, also. refining gold means burning it. i hate getting burned. especially with my stupid hair straightener. but to say that this is my heart's desire? insane! ...right? but deep down, i want it. and more. there are things about me and things i've done and things that i do that i wish i could just erase. if only i can be completely taken apart and rebuilt again, then i think i might be okay.

amazingly enough, god knows that and that's why he speaks to us through his word. i just pray that i let it seep into my heart. psalm 119 me! these days, the message of the cross and the truth of renewal is so much clearer to me.

despite everything i'm fighting for, in wins and losses, and these days it seems like it's mostly losses, this wise teacher tells us that the matter is in god's hands. with that explanation i should feel completely satisfied.