last sunday george led the sunday school lesson on judges - the story of gideon. the last question of the study was a .super bonus. question that asked whether it is okay to test god. my answer.. is that maybe gideon just needed a pep talk or a rally to boost his courage and confidence to lead his army against the midianites. so technically, he's not really testing god in the sense that god's answer would determine whether or not he'd actually go through with the cause. but rather, we was seeking a faith boost and affirmation to his calling.
i dunno.. i'm not a bible scholar but that's what i was thinking.
then tonight, i reread the chapter and a little more.
in chapter 7, god decides to thin out gideon's army in order to show that victory doesn't lie in his own strength, but by the strength of the Almighty. sigh. this is what i struggle with so much. for whatever reason, i have the confidence of a nut. zippo. and while it's almost crippling what it does to my ability to carry out neccesary functions, i still, with great stubbornness, try to do everything on my own. consequently, it comes to no surprise that at the end of the day, i'm moping over the fact that i just can't do it. why can't i just give it up to god?? i so much want to be a part of this ministry. but i constantly feel like i have nothing to offer. in all honestly, i am not smart. i cannot retain any information or any kind. i'm not creative. i have a hard time expressing how i feel in spoken words. and i'm constantly at battle over the right things to say or the correct way to act. inadequacy is a word that sits right on top of my heart. i feel like this is an obstacle (real or self-made) that i can't overcome.
but maybe this is god's way of thinning out my abilities from 32 thousand to 300.
reading a little bit further, gideon's army completely defeats the midianites. with what? trumpets and torches?! and it's not like they killed them by burning out their eardrums either. so what's the lesson learned here? maybe it's not really about my personal abilities rather than god's greater power.
at this point i have no idea what this all looks like in reality. i'm still serving on acacia core, i'm still working in the hospital, i'm still going to school, i'm still volunteering. maybe it sounds like i'm doing a lot. but while i enjoy each day and find small joys in everything i do, many times i still come home feeling like a failure; wishing i'd said one more thing or acted another way or asked another question.
father, i pray that you would help me to realize that i can only do things through strength that comes from you. help me to accept your hand in every branch of my life. thank you for your patience with me.
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