take a chill pill

there is something else meaningless that occurs on earth: righteous men who get what the wicked deserve and wicked men who get what the righteous deserve. this too, i say, is meaningless. so i commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. then joy will accompany his work all the days of the life god has given him under the sun.

when i applied my mind to know wisdom and to observe man's labor on earth - his eyes not seeing sleep day or night - then i saw all that god had done. no one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover its meaning. even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend.

ecclesiastes 8:14-16

i've been reading and trying to understand the book of ecclesiastes over the last month. no one's lying when they say that the word will bring about a reflection of your soul. and to say the least, my soul sucks. while thinking about a few key verses, the song .refiner's fire. come into mind.

purify my heart
let me be as gold and precious silver
purify my heart
let me be as gold, pure gold

refiner's fire
my heart's one desire
is to be holy
set apart for you lord
i choose to be holy
set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

this song must have come about in the 80s.. i feel like i've sang it all my life. but this time, it means something. and it sucks, also. refining gold means burning it. i hate getting burned. especially with my stupid hair straightener. but to say that this is my heart's desire? insane! ...right? but deep down, i want it. and more. there are things about me and things i've done and things that i do that i wish i could just erase. if only i can be completely taken apart and rebuilt again, then i think i might be okay.

amazingly enough, god knows that and that's why he speaks to us through his word. i just pray that i let it seep into my heart. psalm 119 me! these days, the message of the cross and the truth of renewal is so much clearer to me.

despite everything i'm fighting for, in wins and losses, and these days it seems like it's mostly losses, this wise teacher tells us that the matter is in god's hands. with that explanation i should feel completely satisfied.