stage 2 - 4:10
lovey dovey cutesy stuff.  kinda funny.
but i wonder if it's that hard not to do this to other people around you.

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You hold the future in your hands
You know my dreams and you have a plan
And as you light my way, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

You hold the earth in your command
You are the rock on which I stand
And as I live each day, I'll follow you

My eyes on all of the above
My soul secure in all you've done
My minds made up
And you are the only one for me

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Aren't afraid, aren't ashamed Lord we know who we are
We are your people and we won't be silent
Unified hear us cry at the top of our lungs
You our God and we will not be shaken

Jesus, savior, in my life you are everything
My future decided, I will praise your name
And I know that I am, I am yours
Yeah, I know that I am, I am yours 

lately the cd on repeat in my car has been all of the above from hillsong.  basically, i can get through the entire cd during the time it takes me drive to davis and back.  i've listened through it many times = ]  sometimes i sing along with the songs when i'm driving without actually knowing what i'm singing just cuz i know the song so well..


i believe these words.  i believe that my entire life is in his hands and he directs this life on a foundation of deep love.  this is a reminder to myself to give thanks and praise in all things.  


don't go turning emo on me!!

well today started out good, then melded into not so good, and then finally, well.. praise god in all things, yeah?

i got an email from one of the ladies who works with my grad advisor/professor saying she'd be out on personal leave and wouldn't be joining us for class this week.  i just thought she was exhausted from all the traveling she does.  she's like wonderwoman to me.  it's amazing to sit in on her lectures and hear her talk about her crazy research and influence she has in california and all of the nation.  i've taken classes from her since undergrad, worked with her daughter at the usda research kitchen for about a year and now spent 2 years studying under her during my masters program.  she has a great family and is one of the most sincere teachers i've ever had.

but then this morning reading the news, i found out she was on leave because her son had passed away on picnic day.  my heart just died for the next several hours.. trying to keep in good spirits for the sake of my coworkers and the patients i deal with.  but when i think about it, my hearts dies all over again.

to raise a son to become a bright young man with so much going for him, and then to lose him when you always thought he'd be the one to see his own parents pass away first.  mehhhh  how does someone cope with the reality of news such as this??  it's one of those things where i sing


you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
lord blessed be your name


but then when something like this happens, the bottom drops out from underneath my heart and i can't figure out how to sing the last line cuz the hearts gone and fallen off the radar.

i pray for her and her family.  

it's not easy working late.  i wake up and take care of bob.  go to work and come home around 9pm.  right now it only happens about 3 out of 7 days a week.  pretty soon it might be a regular thing.  but while the hours are not ideal, i thank god that i have such a stable job (that i love) ((and with great benefits))  and after i graduate, i'm not being dumped on the sidelines of a sad and dusty job market.

my heart will choose to say

lord blessed be your name

every day is a challenge, but every day also brings new hopes and promises of a life directed by a god who knows me and loves me.  

asdfkjaseghriawuefsnfbakjegn.

that's all.

..could explain why my ears operate as those of an 80-year old though.

i never get tired of hillsong worship songs.  it's usually on repeat in my car and it never gets old.  tonight after fellowship i switched out (reluctantly) the new aftermath cd for mighty to save.  rocked out with the first couple songs and then track 4 came on:

i confess my hope in the light of your salvation
where i lose myself i will find you're all i need
sing my soul of the saviour's love
sing my soul unto god alone
i will meet you here in the life i call surrender
let the world i know be the glory of your grace
you alone are god
and we declare the glory of your name
reign in all the earth

first, i believe god slipped a small miracle into this song.  i've been thinking about miracles lately.. mebbe a post on this later cuz i wanna know what other people think.  anyways, it's been a long time since i've put this cd in the cd player for the sole reason of not wanting to endure the sadness of a hideously scratched cd.  and i knew at 0:01 that this particular track usually skips itself to death midway through.  tonight... no skip.


second, i have a hard time believing that god is all i need.  i mean, i need family, i need friends, i need someone to talk to, i need etc.  but then sometimes he goes and cuts off all access to these things that i need.  my parents would be away, friends are busy, my sisters busy playing with an insanely cute baby, i have the day off and everyone else is at work..  sad days man.  i talk to god but i also let him know that praying is not quite the same as talking with a real human being.  funny cuz i really think if not for the knowledge of christ and his presence in my life, i would be seriously depressed.  but then, i still desire human connection/interaction.  i haven't really thought this through but maybe there's supposed to be some sort of balance?  oreo..  god's not one to be balanced.. eh  brain vomit.  i digress.


third, pg's bible study tonight was about fools.  he talked about a couple different kinds of fools.  one of them: a simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps. prov 14:15  leave your simple ways and you will live, walk in the way of understanding. prov 9:6  i happen to be a very gullible person.  i'm prone to believe anything i hear or read.  which is not so great because obviously, not everything can be taken as truth.  i blame it on being so guai growing up..always a ting baba de hua kinda kid.  but pg says that being simple this way also means being teachable.. teachable with what?  i think discernment.  which goes along with wisdom that comes from god.  eeeh  both of which, i'd like to fill up on.  i think pg's main point was that while the world sees us christ-followers as foolish people, we know that he calls us to be wise and to follow and depend on him even when it seems illogical or unreasonable.


four, going back to the song.  where i lose myself.  when have i ever completely given up on myself and declared absolute helplessness over my life?  uhhh  i'm not a control freak, but i'm a girl nonetheless, and control is innately woven into my being.  and maybe that's exactly the reason why i freak out about everything and can pinpoint exactly which event cause the birth of a new pimple on my head.  sorry, that's gross =/  ..i will find you're all i need.


i think these simple declarations are the hardest to internalize.  as gullible and believing as i am, it doesn't become real to me if i'm just believing for the sake of being a guai kind of christian.  i guess my prayer is that god would give me the wisdom to let his truth reign in my life first, that i might then bring it forth to the rest of the earth.  dang.  that's serious stuff  :D

i also just wanna say.. i love acacia and thank god for bringing me here.
 hooray it's the weekend!