i'm so completely undeserving.

ahhh  i can't even verbalize what i'm thinking.  i guess it's divinity unexplainable.

why is it that my god would listen to my prayers?  i don't do anything right, my heart is more often than not on the opposite end of loving, my understanding of his love and reliance on his truth is like bread crumbs.. but he still listens to my prayers and fulfills my hearts desires with all things good.  why?!?!

god i thank you for this love i can't even understand, with a grateful heart that seems inadequate and disproportional to the level of grace you've given me.

hmmmmm  i'm starting to really lovelovelove that first part of phil 2

if you have any encouragement in being united with christ, if any comfort in his love, if any fellowship with the spirit, if any tenderness of compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

i have a tendency to share all that... with myself.  and while that is good to continue meditating on god's word and reflecting on his good work in other people, somewhere in that process, there's eliminates the like-minded component.  sorry while i dissect this:  being like-minded means that there must be another mind to share similar thoughts, goals, values, visions with.  if there is no other mind, then the statement would better read "make my joy complete by being a loner with happy thoughts" 

that doesn't sound very encouraging.  i pray that i might have the boldness to be more outward about the things that god has impressed on my heart.  that by his grace, he would allow me to serve with others in one spirit and purpose.

if you have any encouragement in being united in christ, if any comfort in his love, if any fellowship in the spirit, if any tenderness or compassion, then make my joy complete in being life-minded.  having the same love and being one in spirit and purpose.  do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, consider everyone better than yourselves.  each of you should look not only to your own interests but to the interests of others.

your attitude should be like that of christ jesus.  who, being in very nature god, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped.  but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  and being found int he appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross.  therefore god exalted him in the highest places and gave him the name that is above every name.  that at the name of jesus, every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth.  and every tongue will confess that jesus christ is lord.  to the glory of god the father.

some of phil 2

how we live is one thing.  how we live among other people and interact with other people is something else.  and it's quite amazing that in the sufficiency of the bible, therein lies the rules that govern how these things should work.  i think it was last summer when acacia was watching through the truth project series.  there was one particular installment that talked specifically on relationships.  mm  mi favorito.

relationships in the context of god's perfect design.  he drew 3 circles symbolizing the cyclic relationship between the divine, the church, and the family.  this wasn't new news to me, but the way he explained it and drew it out (i'm visual) made so much sense to me.

thinking about philippians 2, it makes even more sense.  your attitude should be like that of christ jesus, who being in very nature god, did not consider equality with god something to be grasped.  if that same relationship is stretched across to the church sphere, and over again to the family sphere, it's pretty clear what each of our roles are as we fit ourselves in.  as a leader, part of the flock (note sheepy), as a daughter, etc.  taking the very nature of a servant, he humbled himself and became obedient.  sounds a little backwards but when operated under this perfect design, it actually works!  therefore, god exalted him in the highest places and gave him the name above all names.  kinda like 1 thess. 5:12-13.  and kinda like prov. 31:28.

真的很奇妙..

one of my favorite things about coming home is having full access to our beautiful piano.  i'm still not very good with chords and stuff like that and everything i play always seem to revolve around the key of D.  but still, i lovelovelove sitting there clonking out delicious dissonance.


i'm recently fascinated with hymns.  it's definitely not your average hillsong or chris tomlin.  but flipping through the inch and a half thick hymnal, i've felt so touched by these words that were penned so long ago.  one song in particular seems like it were written straight from my heart by someone else more eloquent than i could ever be.


I know not what awaits me,
God kindly veils mine eyes,
And o’er each step of my onward way
He makes new scenes to rise;
And ev’ry joy He sends me, comes
A sweet and glad surprise.

Where He may lead me I’ll follow,
My trust in Him repose
And ev’ry hour in perfect peace
I’ll sing, He knows, He knows;
And ev’ry hour in perfect peace
I’ll sing, He knows, He knows.

One step I see before me,
’Tis all I need to see,

The light of Heav’n more brightly shines,
When earth’s illusions flee;
And sweetly through the silence, came
His loving “Follow me.”

O blissful lack of wisdom,
’Tis blessèd not to know;
He holds me with His own right hand,
And will not let me go,
And lulls my troubled soul to rest
In Him Who loves me so.

So on I go not knowing,
I would not if I might;
I’d rather walk in the dark with God
Than go alone in the light;
I’d rather walk in faith with Him
Than go alone by sight.

He knows, He knows, He knows.

sounds very hymnish, but the words are beautiful nonetheless.  

after i published my last thought, i started thinking.. what good would it really do to tell a newbie graduate what i've learned?  i'd been on the receiving end myself when i was on the verge of graduation - eagerly absorbing any advice that came my way.  and yet, i still had to endure the difficulties and sadness that followed this happy cap and gown ceremony.  is it any use?  i almost pulled that post.. thinking i'd have to come up with a better conclusion before i repost.  or better advice.. or, i dunno.. a good joke that euphematically summarizes the season of crappiness that may follow their graduation.

boy, am i chipper these days!

during sunday school pastor gee has been showing a video series from focus on the family about the israelites coming out of egypt and into the desert.  sometimes i feel bad for not taking it seriously because of the epic music that plays in the background and the weirdo dramatization that happens.  but the message content is really quite amazing.  this sunday, the tour guide took the group through deuteronomy 17.  lessons on trials and obedience, manna and quail.  i can't find my notes so my thoughts are kinda all over the place.

the question that came up in the previous series and again in this week's installment was whether or not we should pray for trials.  trials meaning hardships that test every fiber of our livelihood - physical, emotional, spiritual.  it's different for everyone, but whatever the test, god is looking to see whether our complete obedience and reliance on him stands these experiential circumstances.  the tour guide calls these desert times a honeymoon with god.

i say from experience that it is definitely when i'm at whit's end when i'm feverishly reading the word and praying prayers for things i'm not even sure how or what to pray - a constant dialogue with god because i don't know what else i can do.  honeymoon's not quite the right word i would use to explain it unless i have a completely wrong idea of what that word means..  but in any case, the tour guide says these situations allow us to show in our actions what is in our heart.  it's like it's just me n god, duking it out - him winning of course, and me humbled by his power and rule not just over my life, but over every single  freaking detail of every single thing.  i'm compelled to give up my own resistances and let his peace overtake me.  and because of that, i fall even more in love with my father and creator.

so trial or no trial?  well, if it's a choice between finding love or living in emptiness, i think the choice is clear.  i mean, i hear it all the time: you'd do anything for love.  when it comes to the father of the heavenly lights, does the same apply?

the tour guide closes the episode with one last point.  a point that he's hesitant to bring up because it is so difficult yet so prevalent in our lives.  he says, perhaps the hardest thing we will ever encounter.  i sat there thinking, what could be harder?

it is when things are going good.  when things are good, we, like the israelites, like me - with hamster size brains, forget about god and the sovereign mercy and grace he gives to us, and revert to relying on our own strength and capabilities.  and the god who longs for our attention and delights in our communion with him gets left out.  that is when things get gnarly.  pride, selfishness, idolatry, self-reliance.. those things get in the way and lead us into a spiraling dive down the path of sin.  not good.

so what does this have anything to do with advice i would give to people who are anticipating life after college?  not much of what i say will steer you clear of troubles and disappointments that come your way.  nothing will prepare you for what's to come.  but there is one thing that must be held onto -  and that is a heart of obedience to follow god and rely on him.  all the time.

reminds me of that scene in the movie twister where the main couple characters chain themselves to the pipes of a bathroom sink.  when the tornado came through, there was nothing they could do but to be swept up into the eye of the storm - prevented from being carried away into certain death by all but one chain that anchored them down.

mmm.. lost my train of thought..  i wonder where those notes went.

last sunday i briefly talked to a compass girl who asked me if i like living around here.  she's a sophomore and, at least from what i've seen, she's pretty involved with compass.  i asked her the same question back and her answer was a very definitive "i want to get out as soon as i can".

over the last few years, god has opened my eyes and my heart to understand the way he works in my life so much.  being in the place i am right now, my first thought was whhaaaaat?!  how could anyone possibly despise this place so much?!  but it only takes a quick rewind four years back to remind me that at one point, i too, hated this city called sacramento.  no form of sympathy or pep talk could get me to wrap my mind around the possibility of embracing my current situation.  i even hated going grocery shopping.  that's bad.

nothing about this city has changed though.  which can only mean one thing.. thank the lord for his power of transformation or else my life would be miserable.

this girl i talked to mentioned sad things like having nothing to do, nowhere to go, being stuck..  i wish i could talk to her more cuz i sometimes feel the same way too.  but here's some things i've collected along the way:

once exciting places will get old
relationships will come in and out
retail therapy is a myth
even the perfect job is not so perfect afterall
stress eating will make you fat unhealthy
trying to blend in with the rest of the world will only make you feel more empty

the one thing that stays constant is god.  haha  the answer to all life's questions.  except that it's kinda true.

join with others in following my example and take note of those who live according to the pattern we have given them.  for, as i have often said before, and say again even with tears - many live as enemies of the cross of christ.  their destiny is destruction.  their god is their stomach and their glory is in their shame.  their minds are on earthly things.  but our citizenship is in heaven and we eagerly await the saviour from there - our lord jesus christ.  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so they become like his glorious body.

join with others.  it's still a struggle for me sometimes to just be okay where i am, but the important thing is to be a part of a community that cares and encourages, and challenges me to grow.  a part from that, i think i could live anywhere.  it's easy and super spiritual to say that as long as i've got god, everything will be okay.. but most times it's not easy to bring that mantra into the daily grind.  i'd tell her that being patient is hard.  and sometimes when your mind is already set on believing the negatives, it would take a miracle to change that perspective.  but god is in the business of transformation.. so be ready for it.