god i pray for mike and i.

i'm starting to realize that sometimes it will be hard for the two of us to figure things out.  for me, i'm really not as resilient as i thought i was.  i never really had to deal with the consequences of my grumpiness on another person until now.  ie. when i'm sleepy or feeling emo, all my emotion and thoughts are directly related to mike.  and most of the time, they're directed in a negative way - thinking the worst of him and feeling like a victim of all sorts of atrocities.  bleh.  i get fristrated at myself for feeling this way and i hate that about myself.  it takes all of me to convince myself otherwise.  and so god, i pray that you work on my heart in this aspect.  help me to be wise, to have control over my thoughts and to give them up to you.  none of this spiralling despair.

the second thing is figuring out how to support him, how to encourage him, how to help him be the best man he can be, and knowing what things i can wisely take on myself.  mike always has a lot of things on his mind, which means i can't always dump on him at the risk of putting too much stress and pressure on him.  i know there needs to be a good balance - he needs to learn to refocus some of his energy to meet certain needs of mine and in turn, i need to learn how i can help him manage all of his responsibilities.  it's not easy because a part of me expects him to shoulder things too.  and then on the flip side, i think about how i can become responsible for all these small, seemingly unimportant things while he works on his own agenda.  again, fine line.  i need to learn to be a helper but now that he's in a relationship, there are things he could accommodate as well.

it seems like some of these christiany terms are starting to become more apparent now.  things like sacrifice, putting the other person's needs above my own, etc

i constantly have to remind myself that
everyone's story is different

because otherwise i get angry when my coworkers live at home with their parents and have no apparent need to actually work because everything is provided for.  i get angry that i'm still stuck in the same place i've been 5 years ago.  i get angry that people move on while i've earned the name maneater.  i get angry that god might not see how hard it is for me to deal with certain things. 

i have to remember that god's timing is good and trusting him is more powerful and satisfying than a trip to the mall.

i realize that in giving up dating, i'm somehow rejecting god's plan to refine me and make me more like him.

peter, an apostle of jesus christ.

to god's elect, strangers in the world, scattered throughout pontus, galatia, cappadoccia, asia and bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of jesus christ, through the sanctifying work of the spirit, for obedience to god and the sprinkling by his blood,  grace and peace be yours in abundance!

praise be to the god and father of our lord jesus christ.  in his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of jesus christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that will never perish, spoil, or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through father are shielded by god's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last times.  in this you rejoice greatly.  though for now, you may have had to suffer grief of all kinds of trials.  but these have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perished even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in glory, honor and praise when jesus christ is revealed.  though you have not seen him, you love him and though you do not see him now you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of you souls.

therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self controlled.  set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when jesus christ is revealed.  as obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  but just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.  for it is written, be holy, because he is holy. 

since you call on a fether a father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear.  for you know that it is not with perishable things like gold and silver that you have been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you by your forefathers, but my the precious blood of christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.  he was chosen before the creation of the world but was revealed in these last times for your sake.  through him you believe in god, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, so that your faith and hope are in god.

since you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love each other deeply, from the heart.  for you are born again, not by perishable seed, but my imperishable, through the living and enduring word of god.  for all men are like grass, and all their glory like the flowers of the field.  the grass will wither and the flowers will fall, but the word of the lord stands forever.

and this is the word that was preached to you.

1 peter 1

ridiculous.  the other day i'd resolved to never give up even if things seemed any less than spectacular.  i figured in the larger scheme of life, my problems are nothing compared to the many blessings i have.  additionally, i'd been convicted once again that these little trifles are only to bring me closer to christ and to let his glory be revealed in due time.  what a great witness, yeah?

i must've been in a good mood that day.

i give up. 

i simply can't handle everything right now.  and as much as i seek the lord for strength and all that kinda stuff, i'm just not able to hold up. 

good article so i don't forget:

Sidestepping Stagnation

The Hiding Place is Corrie ten Boom’s amazing account of her life around the time of World War II, especially the time she and her sister Betsie spent in a Nazi concentration camp. Both women were strong Christians, but in her book, Corrie recounts instance after instance when she was blown away by her sister’s faith. In one particular situation, Corrie and Betsie were shoveling dirt. Betsie was too weak to lift much dirt on her shovel. The guard chided Betsie, mocked her and eventually struck her across the face with a whip. Corrie shares first her own reaction, and then Betsie’s response:

Without knowing I was doing it, I had seized my shovel and rushed at [the guard].
Betsie stepped in front of me before anyone had seen. “Corrie!” she pleaded, dragging my arm to my side. “Corrie, keep working!” She tugged the shovel from my hand and dug it into the mud. Contemptuously the guard tossed Betsie’s shovel toward us. I picked it up, still in a daze. A red stain appeared on Betsie’s collar; a welt began to swell on her neck.
Betsie saw where I was looking and laid a bird-thin hand over the whip mark. “Don’t look at it, Corrie. Look at Jesus only.” She drew away her hand; it was sticky with blood.

Corrie and Betsie’s narrative is one incredible story among many that fill the history books of Christianity. Some, like Corrie and Betsie, were persecuted for doing what their faith led them to believe was right. Others were persecuted simply for professing to be Christian. Even in many countries today, Christianity is severely restricted or illegal. If you are going to be a Christian in these places, you have a lot to stand up against.
A few years ago, a woman named Li joined my church and shared her life story: She grew up in China, became a Christian by getting involved in an underground church, and eventually moved to the United States where she has lived for at least 15 years. What I remember most from her account is the difference between Christian life in China and Christian life in the United States. Before hearing Li’s story, I would have assumed that Christian life in the U.S. is preferable, but she feels quite the opposite.

Yes, the repression of Christianity is unpleasant, but it forces Christians to take a stand for their beliefs — to live a passionate life of faith or abandon the Lord altogether. China has no place for half-hearted Christians. Therefore, as a new Christian, Li learned from a zealous body of believers who could not live one day without evangelism at the forefront of their minds. When she moved to the United States, Li was frustrated to live among many Christians who were not as driven to grow in their faith and spread the Gospel as those she knew in China. The U.S. culture has a large, welcoming place for half-hearted Christians and sometimes even helps funnel Christians toward comfort with a faith that is not backed by much action.

When I think about it, I am not surprised by her conclusion. I even see it on a smaller scale in my own life. I’ve rarely faced persecution, but the times of loss, loneliness, abrupt change, feeling overwhelmed or making difficult choices are the times when I have grown the most and when my faith has shined the brightest. During the times that are calm, stable and consistently pleasant, I’m terrified of one thing: stagnation.

Whether it is a season of your life or a tenet of your culture, many of us encounter forces that encourage us to stay where we are, stop growing in faith and lose our passion for the Lord. While I would not wish persecution on myself or anyone, I almost wonder if apathy is a more difficult enemy to fight than hostility, simply because the approach to fighting it is much less clear. Li certainly wrestles with this. I wonder how Betsie and Corrie would have responded.

I do not have a good answer. Instead, I’d like to ask you: What truths from Scripture, lessons from your own life, or strategies do you use to sidestep stagnation and keep growing in your faith and your boldness for the Lord?

o lord you have searched me and you know me.  you know when i sit and when i rise.  you perceive my thoughts from afar.  you discern my going out and my lying down.  you are familiar with all my ways.  even before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.  you hem me in behind and before - you have laid your hand upon me.  such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  where can i go from your spirit?  where can i flee from your presence?  if i go up to the heavens you are there.  if i make my bed in the depths you are there.  if i rise on the wings of dawn, if i settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me.  your right hand will hold me fast.  if i say surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you, for darkness is as light to you.

psalm 139

this one is so good to remember.  i dunno.. i seem to be a little more insecure and doubtful of myself compared to other people.  and that's the thing.. i'm really good at comparing myself with other people and finding that i always fall short on any given point of comparison.  obviously, there's no warm fuzzy feeling in that.  the worst part is that i come to doubt the intent of the creator and i criticize, scrutinize and minimize the power of my god who created my inmost being.  doh.

let's try and keep this one in mind more, yeah?